My son was conceived via IVF after years of fertility treatments. When he turned one, my husband and I started trying again. We’d heard it was easier to get pregnant after having had a child but this did not seem to be the case for us. But after a few months of trying the fertility treatment route again, we decided to stop trying altogether. My emotional well-being was taking a beating, and I didn't want to go through all that heartache again.
Almost a year later, I was shocked to find out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic, relieved and beyond grateful. But within a week, I started bleeding. And didn’t stop until my OBGYN confirmed my miscarriage. I was devastated. And confused. Truly surprised by the depths of my grief-how could I feel so deeply when I didn’t even know I was pregnant the week before? And I felt guilty about my grief-was I entitled to feeling this intensely? I was probably only 6-7 weeks by that point. Was it legitimate for me to feel so sad? I already had a son, was I being greedy and insensitive toward those who couldn’t get pregnant? I had been there myself not too long ago.
And then there was the intense self-blame. Yikes. I was really hard on myself. Clearly I had done something to cause this, what other explanation was there? I was obviously a crappy mom and shouldn’t have ___________ (insert anything I did in that week).
Looking back, I know there is no protocol to follow in terms of how one should or should not feel when it comes to miscarriage. There are no rules on how to deal with it. And I also know that there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome of that pregnancy. There are just so many thoughts and emotions that accompany a pregnancy loss and everyone’s experience is going to be different. But all of this is hard to understand when you’re in the middle of it.