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How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
My husband and I were able to conceive our daughter within the first 2 months of trying, so when she turned one and we decided to try for baby #2, we figured it would be just as easy. 9 months later we weren’t having any success and I had this gut feeling something was wrong. My obgyn ran a blood panel and determined that several of my hormones were off balance (low progesterone, high FSH, etc). She performed an HSG procedure to check on my fallopian tubes and we found out that I had a hydrosalpinx left fallopian tube (fluid filled). The combination of the hormonal imbalance and the tubal issues resulted in a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. What happened once this was determined? I set up a consultation with a top rated clinic in Chicago (FCI). At the consultation, the RE told me that my only option was IVF and I would need to have my left fallopian tube removed before we started any type of fertility treatments. I scheduled my surgery for the following month, and 3 months post recovery was able to begin my first IVF cycle. Did you try medical interventions? If so, what was the medical process like for you? Over the course of 3 years, I had 2 fresh IVF cycles and 3 frozen IVF cycles. I also had: a laparoscopy to remove my fallopian tube; a hysteroscopy to examine my uterus and remove potential scar tissue; and then a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy/uterine resection to remove scar tissue, and redo my original C-section. It took 4 IVF cycles and several surgeries to determine the main cause of my secondary infertility was scar tissue and low ovarian reserve. Did you try anything beyond medical interventions? I did: 6 months of fertility acupuncture; juicing/cleanses; fertility meditation and yoga. Unfortunately, since my cause of infertility was mostly medical, natural options weren’t as helpful as I had hoped they’d be. I also started seeing a therapist weekly who specialized in infertility/female issue, and that was life changing. What was most helpful? Surgery was the most helpful:) Beyond that, I did like acupuncture for stress relief. I also owe 99% of my sanity and my successful IVF outcome to my therapist. She truly kept my head on straight. She taught me meditative techniques and kept me calm through the transfers/waiting periods. Ultimately, she allowed me to breathe. I would recommend seeing a specialist to anyone: infertility is so much harder on your mind and body than we all realize. What was hardest for you during this time? Mentally, it was exhausting. I could handle the physical aspect of it all-the shots, side effects, procedures did not bother me one bit. I was able to focus on the goal and get through the physical pain. But emotionally and mentally, I had a much harder time rebounding. Especially when I would have a miscarriage (3 different times throughout the process) or a negative cycle. I also struggled with not having answers, as I’m someone who wants to be able to understand things-even if it means hearing bad news. Being told by a doctor that they can’t figure out what’s going on (and then to look at my perfectly healthy daughter who was conceived naturally) just didn’t make sense to me. And it’s hard to keep telling yourself to try again when it’s such a financial, emotional, mental, physical commitment, and you know in the back of your head you could be doing it all for nothing. How did your partner deal with this process? My husband was amazing. He was patient, supportive, compassionate, and encouraging. I feel so fortunate that we always agreed on some of the toughest decisions and he always trusted my word. I met so many women along the way who weren’t in that same position and it broke my heart to imagine the additional stress they were under. However, I will say that the process did wreak havoc on our intimacy and our social life. It’s something we are still working and actively repairing. And while we understand the root of it, three years of damage takes a while to fix. I’m just lucky that we are both committed to it! What was the least helpful thing someone said to you? “Just take a break,” was the absolute worst thing anyone could say and I heard it often from some of my closest family members. People don’t understand that you can’t just quit. I think the perspective is that (unlike a terminal illness/cancer diagnosis/life threatening diseases) with infertility, you have the ‘choice’ to put yourself through hell and back. But when it comes to building a family, understanding why your body won’t allow you to – it isn’t something you can just ‘quit’ or ‘take a break from’ without incredible heartache and disappointment. It’s letting go of a dream, a goal, and a life vision, and unless you’re in the midst of it, no one fully understands. What was the most helpful/supportive thing someone said to you or did for you? “You are inspiring and the strongest person I know." My older sister used to send me the most encouraging care packages when I was going through treatments. They made me feel so loved and supported. Instead of feeling sorry for me, avoiding the topic, or being aggressive with opinions, she just showed me how much she cared for me and let me know she was cheering me on. That is the stance everyone should take. What would you like others to know about your experience? That it truly is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever been through (until I lost my twin sons). It takes so much will power and the biggest leap of faith to put yourself through months and years of treatment. It changes who you are as a person– I think it betters you as a parent– and it is something that will most likely define you for the rest of your life. But in the end, it can be a positive definition of who you are and what your body was capable of doing. What advice would you give to someone about to begin the process of infertility interventions (medical or otherwise)? Get as many consultations as possible. Find a doctor who is committed to solving your puzzle. Don’t go for the doctor who is popular but too busy to be hands on. I used to fax my medical records to all the top clinics in the US (most will do free phone consults!) and then compare their recommendations with a local RE. Also: do the research. Every single clinic (or at least the good ones) should have all their data/statistics/success rates online and go to the one who has the best data. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor WHY their numbers are higher or lower. Find a local support group and connect with people who are in the exact same position as you. I found the most compassion, information, referrals, and ideas from women who I met with each month. Lastly, look into a specialist who can help you work through the stress of infertility. There are so many therapists who specialize in this area of need and it’s worth every single penny and minute you spend. You’re the most important factor in the whole process and taking care of your mind, body, and soul is what will give you the outcome you desire.
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I'm 43 years and have been trying to have a baby for 3 years now. I've had 2 failed IUI's, 3 miscarriages (after getting pregnant on my own), and 3 failed IVF cycles with donor eggs. I'm very saddened by all of this. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted.
I'm over $45,000 in credit card debt, hoping for a miracle to happen with no such luck. I got my last negative last week and have no donor eggs left. In order to proceed, I'd have to fork out another $15,000 for eggs. I'm so sad. No one understands the heartache and strength you need to endure this journey. I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of getting my hopes up spending time, money, and energy for nothing but empty arms. I'm trying to figure out what to do: spend more money (I can't even pay what I have spent already); switch RE's and hope there will be a different outcome; or just come to the realization I'm not going to get what I want and live with that choice. I guess I'll try to hope for the best and breathe, one second at a time. How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
My infertility story starts with my husband's diagnosis with testicular cancer. It was obviously a difficult time for us, but thankfully he is completely healthy and cancer-free. In meeting with all of his doctors, we told all of them that we wanted more children (we had two girls at the time). We asked if the cancer would affect his fertility and if we needed to bank sperm. We were told that it really shouldn't be an issue and there was no need to do so. Fast forward a year later when we decided we were ready to start trying for baby #3. Because I had no issues getting pregnant the first two times, I started to wonder after a few months of trying what could be wrong. After about 10 months, I went to my OBGYN and she suggested that I see a fertility specialist. The doctor ran the necessary tests on both of us and it turned out that his sperm had been greatly affected as a result of the cancer. The doctor recommended that we go directly to IVF and start as soon as insurance approved our case. What was the medical process like for you? The process was a bit overwhelming! After twice conceiving naturally, I never imagined that I would have to go through IVF to have a baby. I really didn't even know much about the process so I was a scared, anxious, sad and also hopeful because now that I had answers, I was happy to know that this could work. Did you try anything beyond medical interventions? Not really. While I was trying to get pregnant, I read a lot online about ovulating, when to have sex, and all the wives tales about how to increase your chances of getting pregnant. What was most/least helpful? Most helpful was the support from my husband and family, and also from friends that had been through the process. I am so thankful that I had a few close friends that had been through IVF that I could ask questions and that could relate to what I was going through. What was hardest for you during this time? I think the hardest part was just learning about the whole process and trying not to get too overwhelmed. I have never liked shots or needles, so getting used to poking myself every day was a challenge. And having two little kids at home, it was intimidating thinking about how I was going to get to all the appointments and ultrasounds. How did your partner deal with this process? He was really supportive, caring and helpful. He cleared his schedule for the mornings that I needed to be at the doctor's office, and I truly felt like he was right there with me for the entire journey. He took care of the kids, came to appointments and was always there when I need someone to listen. I do think he felt a little helpless at times, like when I was in pain or having to give myself injections (because he knew I hated it), but I would try to reassure him that I was ok and that sometimes I just needed him to hold my hand or give me a hug. What was the most/least helpful thing someone said to you or did for you? The most helpful thing someone said to me was to take the whole IVF process one day at a time. It's so true and I had to remind myself of it often. I'm not sure anyone said anything to me that wasn't very helpful, but I do remember someone asking me if I was sure I really wanted another baby...which when you're in the middle of IVF should be fairly obvious! What would you like others to know about your experience? I am so thankful for the science and technology that can help people, like me and my husband-we wouldn't have been able to have another baby without it. We feel very fortunate that this was possible for us and it was worth all of the frustration and efforts. But I would do it all again if I had to. What advice would you give to someone about to begin the process of infertility interventions? Even though it seems like the whole process is confusing, lengthy, overwhelming, and time-consuming, if you can talk to others who have been through it, it will really help. Taking things one step and one day at a time is a must. How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
After 5 months of trying and things weren’t progressing I knew something might be wrong, and given my age, I didn’t want to wait to keep trying for a year (as some doctors recommend). What happened once this was determined? I made an appointment with my OBGYN to discuss and she ordered bloodwork on my hormone levels. Then a test to see if my fallopian tubes were blocked. Once everything with me came back normal, we checked my husband and that seemed to determine the problem. What has the medical process been like for you? It has been long. I feel that if your intuition tells you something might be wrong, get checked out and go ahead and check your partner too. Do not wait for the doctor to recommend they be checked. Have you tried anything beyond medical interventions? During my second IVF cycle I participated in acupuncture. I am not sure if this helped but it was extremely relaxing. For an hour each week, my acupuncturists provided me not only with wonderful treatment, but also with positive affirmations that made me feel hopeful. What has been helpful during this time? Staying in the moment, taking each step as it happens-not looking ahead or in the past too much. Not necessarily being too optimistic or pessimistic. What has been hardest for you during this time? Finding out the cycle was not successful. How has your partner dealt with the process? He has been very supportive and hopeful. He is really gentle and great with giving me the injections. What has been the least helpful thing someone has said to you? “If it were me I would just buy an egg.” (This was coming from a woman who got pregnant in the blink of an eye and has two boys) What has been the most helpful/supportive thing someone has said to you or done for you? Women who have shared their success stories and tell me not to give up or lose sight of what we want. What would you like others to know about your experience? IVF, fertility treatments are wonderful. Someone scared me before I started them and I was anxious. I stayed stable the whole time and didn’t feel “crazy” as someone said I would. It just becomes part of your daily routine. It was a bonding experience for my husband and I. What advice would you give to someone about to begin the process of infertility interventions? To stay in the moment. Take each day and each step of the process as it comes-don’t think about it too much. Just Do It!!! And be excited about what the end result might be. How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
I think for me, I had gotten pregnant and so, I didn’t even think that was on the table. I’d had a miscarriage and I thought I’d just have a couple cycles and try again. I also hoped it would help me heal from the miscarriage. Then, month after month, nothing happened. I got really anxious as I got closer to the one year mark, because I knew that was when the doctor diagnosed infertility. But I can vividly remember going in and doing beginning testing and thinking they were going to say, “You’re fine, everything’s good.” But instead, I went to my OBGYN for an ultrasound and the tech said she wouldn’t recommend wasting my time there and handed me a pamphlet for an infertility specialist. I held it together long enough to get in my car and then started sobbing because I wasn’t expecting it. I knew I was irregular but I’m an optimist so I would just assume I was pregnant every month. I think this made it harder because every month following the miscarriage, it was reliving that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I looked at it like, “every month the baby should be x months old” and then I was diagnosed with infertility, and I’d think “how did I get here? I was supposed to have a one year old. What happened once this was determined? We continued testing with my regular OBGYN and that’s how we found out that I wasn’t regular and that my husband had low motility. The doctor said he would start me on Clomid for three rounds and if that didn’t work, we would move on to a specialist. We wanted to avoid that because we were aware of the cost. Even at the OBGYN, once it was coded as infertility, insurance stopped coverage. Thankfully, the generic Chlomid was inexpensive. But the dye test for my fallopian tubes cost thousands of dollars. What was the medical process like for you? Beyond the testing of my hormones, the dye test, and my husband having his sperm tested, we were very fortunate that the first round of chlomid worked for us. Did you try anything beyond medical interventions? I took countless ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. After that, I know I’m never going to “try” to get pregnant again. I’d talk myself into believing I was pregnant every month and then be devastated all over again. There was no closing the door on that cycle and starting over because, being irregular, I never knew when it was coming. What I did find helpful was stress management. I was naïve about the impact of stress. I thought I was healthy-I ate well, I exercise, and I thought I had learned how to manage stress. This was a sign that I needed to slow down. So, I changed my job schedule and focused on really working to lower my stress level. What was most helpful? People listening. People who followed up, who didn’t forget. My mom, my sister, and a couple friends who would check up on me as ask me how I was, how things were going. People who didn’t me make you feel like I did this to myself. A lot of prayer. My aunt saying to me, “you will have your baby.” She had suffered a couple miscarriages and fertility issues as well and helped me to see that I would have my family, whether it meant adoption, surrogacy, or something else. I would have my baby. What were failed months like? The disappointment was so painful, it felt like I was reliving a loss every month. I had anxiety every month. I would just shut down. What was hardest for you during this time? Not having any control. My whole life I could achieve what I wanted if I worked for it. I honestly thought I was in control. But nothing worked for this: no eating healthy; no managing my stress; no having sex every other day; no prayer; no talking about it to other people. For the first time in my life, no matter how hard I worked, I couldn’t pick the outcome. I’m honestly grateful now for the experience for that reason. It’s a fresh reminder that, anything in my life, I’m not in control. How did your partner deal with this process? He was calmer. Sometimes it was helpful, sometimes it was annoying. He was another reminder that I wasn’t in control. He would tell me “It’s going to work, it’s fine.” I don’t think he got it though. The disappointment I felt, the hormone surge when I felt that disappointment. Even the miscarriage. He was sad, but nothing like I felt and that was a little lonely at times. He has since told me that he was sad watching me be sad, but he wasn’t near as upset as I felt. I remember that I’d sit on the couch and watch Giuliana and Bill and just cry. He’d ask me why I was doing that to myself, could not understand why I’d want to make myself feel worse. But I was watching because I could commiserate. I felt emotionally connected to her because I could understand what she was going through. What was the least helpful thing someone said to you? My mother in law said, regarding my miscarriage, “Well you were moving that weekend.” Which made me feel it was my fault. She also said that she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get pregnant because my father in law could “just spit on her” and get pregnant. Again, making me feel as though I was doing something wrong and that I was in control of what happened. What was the most helpful/supportive thing someone said to you or did for you? Prayer and others asking about what was going on, keeping tabs on me to see how I was doing. It definitely helped me feel less alone and that I wasn’t going through it by myself, that I had support. What would you like others to know about your experience? That it is such an insular thing and so hard to get out of your own head when you’re in it. I wish others knew to be more sensitive to those dealing with it. It’s not just a month-long thing to process, you can’t get away from it, it’s all you’re thinking about. Also, that everybody has a story. I thought you got married and popped out babies. Others go through this. I no longer have that naive thought process and can help others going through it in whatever form. It deepened my faith, knocked me on my knees and helped me surrender my life. I hope I never forget that. I’m not in control. That’s what took the stress away, knowing I just had to go through the process, to let go. What advice would you give to someone about to begin the process of fertility interventions? No advice. I just want to offer encouragement and hope. How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
The funny part is that I didn’t know. It had been 6 months since my husband and I had been trying and because of my age at the time (35 going on 36), my OBGYN said to come back if I wasn’t successful within 6 months. So, after 6 months of trying I went back and was immediately sent to a specialist, where we started getting our testing. What happened next? They ran a series of test, including my husband’s sperm count, and how many eggs I had that were usable. In doing so, it was determined that I did not ovulate. And because of that, we would likely have a hard time conceiving since we couldn’t pinpoint a time when I might become pregnant. I was regular with my period every month, but for some reason, my eggs would never drop. What was the medical process like for you? The testing was very arduous. They were good about getting you in on time and going through the process but it felt very sterile. It seemed like for at least two months, I was going through test after test after test to make sure there weren’t any issues beyond ovulation. Eventually, they started me on Letrazole in lieu of Chlomid for 60 days and if that didn’t work, I was in line for IVF. At the end of the 60 days, I went in for a routine test and the nurse called me that afternoon to say that I was not pregnant and did not ovulate. We had a trip planned, so I was told to come back in afterwards and determine what the next steps were, which would have been the IVF process. So, when we returned we had a consultation about the IVF process. But before we would start that, I was put on one more month of the Letrazole, in addition to progesterone, to boost my hormones. Luckily, we never had to progress past that…by accident, I found out I was pregnant. I went away on a weekend trip and I wasn’t feeling well. I had one pregnancy test at home. I took it and found out I was pregnant. What were the failed months like you? I never gave up hope that I would eventually have a baby. I was disappointed but it was more the unknown of going through the process that got me upset than the actuality of not being pregnant. Did you try anything beyond medical interventions? No, but it wasn’t that I was against trying anything, like acupuncture. I just never tried ovulation kits or anything because we just went straight to the specialist after 6 months. What was most helpful for you during this time? Talking with other friends who had been through it and understood the process. My friends offered the compassion I needed, the doctors became so rote. My friends could also tell me what to expect because it was the unknown that made me the most anxious. I always had one or two that I could go to who could tell me what I needed to do, how to prepare. Also, faith was definitely a big one. I had faith that God would bless me with a child, I just didn’t know when or what that would look like. But honestly, I didn’t experience much anxiety over not getting pregnant because I knew somehow, someway, I was going to have a child. Usually I am stressed out about everything in my life but this was the one aspect of my life that I truly had no worries about. I think this was likely because I always kept in the back of my mind that I could adopt. I had always been interested in adoption. If I couldn’t get pregnant I would adopt. I knew that lots of children in the world need our love and that we would be willing and able to give it to them. Having that in the back of my mind was helpful. That baby may not look like me but I will hold a baby one day and that won’t matter. They need love, stability, a place to call home. That lifted any stress and anxiety. But I can only say what worked for me, I know this is not the case for everyone. Lastly, while I was sad, I was able to see the cup as half full. I looked at it as being one more month to spend with my spouse. I had seen how much my friends lives had changed after having a child. And I knew that it was one more month of bonding time we had together. We had just gotten married, were not even married a year when we started trying, so I was grateful for the additional months. What was hardest for you during this time? Waiting. The waiting every month to get my next period so I could start all over again. For me, because we live in a world where everything is instantaneous, it was the one thing I couldn’t control. There was no pill I could take and instantly become pregnant. I literally had no control over this. And the funny thing is, neither do the doctors, because every patient is different and every patient’s experience is so different. How did your partner deal with this process? I think that my spouse was happy either way. He was happy to get pregnant but also happy to have it be just us. We both knew we wanted children, but it had only been a year since we’d been married, so it wasn’t that hard on him. I think he felt more that he had to be supportive for me. He was a great listener. He didn’t try to fix things because he knew there was nothing he could do other than just be present. While it had been a long time, we didn’t feel hopeless. We didn’t dwell, we were thinking more about what we did have. What was the least helpful thing someone said to you? I didn’t allow too many people to know, so I don’t think I had any negative comments. I kept my circle small. If anyone asked when we planned to have kids, I would say that we had just gotten married so there was no extra pressure. What was the most helpful/supportive thing someone said to you or did for you? I don’t think it was one thing in particular. I shared with 2-3 girlfriends who made me feel comfortable enough to share my emotions and know it wouldn’t go further than them. I just allowed my friends to love on me, listen to me, or hug me when I needed it. What would you like others to know about your experience? It found it really helpful to be strategic in who I told about my experience. I only told 2-3 people with similar experiences who shared similar mindsets. I thought that more opinions would make it more confusing and that the more I talked about it, the more stressed I would get. Sometimes I just needed to vent and move on. But if I talked about it all day long, I couldn’t process it and move forward which I think makes getting pregnant harder because you’re always stressed out and on edge. What advice would you give to someone about to begin the process of infertility interventions? Do your research on your doctor and their clinic. You need to choose who is right for you. Seek out friends who have gone there because you can find out beforehand if that doctor not the one for you. Do your homework. How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
I stopped using birth control at our wedding in May, and we decided we would start really trying when we got back from a big trip we had planned in the fall. After a couple of months of trying on our own, we started using ovulation kits to see if that would help. But, they would never turn-I just wasn’t ovulating. What happened once this was determined? I went to my annual and talked to my Obgyn about my options. She was comfortable prescribing Clomid so we started there. We did one 5 day course but my period started immediately, so my doctor felt like that medication was not a good treatment option anymore. The following month my doctor moved, so the OBGYN office referred me out because no one else was comfortable managing fertility treatment. That January, at the fertility clinic, we started with the initial testing: blood work for hormone levels; the dye test; and frequent ultrasounds for follicle size. With no “reason” determined but still no ovulation on my own, we started with medicated cycles and tried this for a few months. When that brought no results, we then tried our first round of IUI in May. Still nothing. I can’t recall if we did two or three rounds of IUI, but on the last round, we were told that, due to overstimulation, we either had to convert to IVF or cancel the cycle. This was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I called a friend to talk it out but ultimately, it was up to my husband and I to make the call-and we had less than a day to do so. We debated back and forth-I wanted to proceed, he wanted to cancel-but ended up moving forward. I felt like I just couldn’t wait any longer and we were told we’d have to take a break for several months before trying again if we cancelled. Thankfully, that IVF cycle worked and we found out we were pregnant in August. What was the medical process like for you? The shots during the medicated cycles were no big deal. IUI was also not difficult at all. As far as IVF, I remember the retrieval being very painful. I was on the couch in pain for a couple of days following it and was not expecting that. But the transfer itself was similar to an IUI, I don’t remember there being any pain at all. Strangely, the douching [part of the IVF protocol before the retrieval] was really hard for me. I remember my husband offering to buy it for me and just melting down over it. It just felt so unnatural, doing this thing that I was told my entire life was bad for me. For some reason that just bothered me the most. Did you try anything beyond medical interventions? I did acupuncture for three of my cycles, including the successful round of IVF. In some ways it was stressful to add another thing to my already packed calendar of fertility related items, but I left the appointments feeling refreshed and calm. What was most helpful? Talking to people who were supportive, who had already been through it or understood what I was talking about. During failed cycles, I established a bit of a ritual-a one woman pity party. I would drink wine and eat good cheese, fruit, and bread. It helped me to be sad and cry a bit without having to talk about it with anyone. What was hardest for you during this time? Not having any control over the process. Also, the process itself-it is so stressful and time consuming. There is a constant awareness you have while you are going through treatments, it’s always in the back of your mind. And I was restricted from doing things I loved, which just reminded me all over again. For example, I was on exercise restriction and I was really into power yoga at the time, but was advised to stop by my doctor. I hated giving something up that I loved and that relieved stress. Trying to plan for sex or medication was also stressful and difficult to manage. We had to get a hotel room one night while visiting my sister. Another time, I had to give myself injections while on a trip, which also meant bringing along my medications and keeping them refrigerated. Again, there is that constant awareness that you are trying and failing to get pregnant. At the time we were trying to get pregnant it seemed like people all around us were getting pregnant. It felt like a kick in the stomach every time we had to celebrate someone else’s baby. I knew we would be good parents and couldn’t understand why it was happening for other people but not us. How did your partner deal with this process? My husband is practical and a “fix it” type. The tasks, the things that needed to be done, he was on top of. The emotional aspect was more difficult. He would want to move on immediately and had a hard time just sitting with the feelings. What was the least helpful thing someone said to you? My mom made a comment at my baby shower along the lines of “see? I knew you’d get pregnant”, as though it was no big deal, making little of everything that came before just because I did end up getting pregnant. It made me realize how many people don’t get what you go through with infertility treatment. What was the most helpful/supportive thing someone said to you or did for you? My sister was always supportive and listened to me whenever I needed to vent. She would also remember what I had told her and where I was at in my cycle so that I didn’t have to repeat myself. She quietly listened to every total freak out and crying fit about how unfair it all was. What would you like others to know about your experience? The balance is difficult, between wanting people to know what I’d been through and also not wanting it to be all people thought about when they saw me. Or be the only thing we talked about. What advice would you give to someone about to begin the process of infertility interventions? 1. Find an office you like, and staff just as important as the doctors. 2. Expect for long term. 3. Expect everything to be talked about in terms of cycles or rounds. 4. Be open to taking time off. I wasn’t hearing it when they said it. If I had known more people ahead of time that had taken breaks, maybe it wouldn’t have felt so urgent. 5. Talk to other people about their experience and those at different stages to get a wider idea of what to expect. But remember that this only gives you a broad idea, everyone will have a different experience. 6. Read sites that are helpful vs the commenting boards-they can be terrifying and most of the time people on them are trying to compare their individual experience with someone else’s. What not to say? “Just relax.” “IVF is unnatural” “If you can’t get pregnant you shouldn’t have kids.” “So there is something wrong with her?” What would you want said to you? “You’re not doing anything wrong.” How did you first know you were dealing with infertility?
I had been married for 5 years by the time I was 27 and honestly wasn't sure I even wanted kids. Then, what seemed like overnight, I decided that I "must have kids NOW." About mid-July, I went off the pill and my periods just stopped. I figured it was related to being on birth control since age 15 and assumed my cycle would eventually return on its own. 6 months later, still nothing. I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist, who immediately referred me to a specialist. Apparently, the next step in her care would have been to prescribe me clomiphene (chlomid), but as she had never given it to anyone without a cycle before, she felt it best to refer me to a higher level of care. I am grateful that she did so, believing it saved us from added months of frustration. What happened once this was determined? March 23, 2009 I had my first meeting with a doctor at the Center for Reproductive Medicine. The process started out very slowly. I began with shots to induce follicle growth, and for the first several months, literally nothing happened. No follicles grew, nothing was stimulated. I remember staring at the ceiling while I waited for the nurse and just praying that something would be seen on the ultrasound screen. What was the medical process like? When I finally started responding to the medication and had some follicle growth, I had some hope that this would actually work. But then there was always something that went wrong. Every time there was an ultrasound or blood was drawn, I'd have to wait until later in the day for a phone call, which was excruciating. I never knew if that phone call would bring good news, meaning that we could proceed; or bad, meaning that we would have to cancel that cycle. My first IUI failed which was not helpful for my faith in the process. My next IUI was going to transfer to IVF because it looked like that was the optimal decision. But hours before the procedure, I got a call that my progesterone level was too high and so we had to cancel the cycle all together. My doctor eventually advised me to take time off from trying and travel, to give my body and mind a break, and I am grateful that he did so. It was much needed. After that break, I started IVF. I was given a very detailed protocol for what to expect every day, starting on Cycle Day 1. There were very specific instructions and had I not gotten used to the process of timing and shots the previous couple of years, I would have been terrified. Regardless, the first time I received my order of medications, I was overwhelmed. But, by the time I reached the IVF regimen, I knew to take it one day at a time and employ every coping strategy I could for my anxiety. Not that I was very successful with this-I was not fun to be around that month. What did you try beyond medical interventions? I tried everything that I thought would help. I had a few acupuncture appointments, and while I do believe such treatments can be helpful, I just couldn't relax in there and began to get anxious about upcoming appointments. I found this to be counterproductive so stopped. I tried putting weight on my thin frame to see if that would jumpstart things. Several months and 10-15 pounds later, still nothing. I got massages, which I think really helped me to reduce stress. I also found myself returning to my faith, attending mass and praying a lot more. However, the single most helpful thing for me beyond medical treatment was my therapist, no question. As a therapist, it seems obvious I'd say this, but I truly think her support enabled me to decrease my overall level of stress and gave my body a break from the havoc my anxiety was likely wreaking on it. I could unload on someone who understood where I was coming from and didn't have to apologize for being so emotional about something that not everyone could understand. She specialized in infertility and the fact that she "got it" made me feel understood and that in itself was comforting. What was hardest for you during this time? It seemed as though all of my friends either had a kid or were getting pregnant during my years of infertility. Every time a friend called, I held my breath waiting for the "I'm so sorry, but I'm pregnant." Which made me feel like a jerk, as though I would be upset for their joy, or jealous. I am not a jealous person by nature and I never felt it was about me in those moments, but it sucked feeling like I was being pitied. Feeling left behind was another weird experience. I had this gut reaction when others told me about their pregnancies that felt like I was being left out or left behind and that we'd never be able to catch up. What was most helpful? People that didn't offer advice but just validated how I was feeling and told me that it sucked. People who asked me how the treatments were going and actually asked questions as opposed to just being polite. My therapist was the most helpful because she let me explain what was happening medically, complain, and vent emotionally. She gave me strategies to deal with those emotions, so I felt proactive.. I am also forever grateful to the doctors and nurses that treated me during this period of my life. They were so kind, compassionate and thoughtful. I truly felt that they were rooting for me. Two in particular I will never forget (in addition to my doctor), were the nurse who took my blood on what seemed like a daily basis from 2008-2010, and one of the head nurses, who always made me feel hopeful. The support of my family and friends, who allowed me to wallow when I needed to and offered me kind words and love, always. My husband, though, above all, who saw me through some very dark days. What would you like others to know about your experience? That it feels all consuming and there is little else I could think about during that time. That it is not just about disappointment and sadness, but a continued sense of loss and loneliness. I felt desperate at times, sure I would have to resign myself to being a childless couple. We talked about it several times, trying to steel ourselves for what felt like a forgone conclusion. This feeling came monthly for those years and it never got any easier, in fact, it got worse. Because the longer we tried and failed, the further away the possibility seemed. I think it’s difficult and near-impossible for others that haven’t experienced infertility to understand. And those that I have met that have just “get it” and we have an immediate shorthand and appreciation for one another. It’s a club that we don’t want to be a part of but that we are relieved to not have to be the only members. |