Denise Wiesner, LAc, FABORM, is the author of Conceiving with Love: A Whole-Body Approach to Creating Intimacy, Reigniting Passion, and Increasing Fertility. The founder of the Natural Healing and Acupuncture Clinic in West Los Angeles, Wiesner is an internationally recognized traditional Chinese medicine practitioner, specializing in the Whole Systems Chinese medicine approach to women’s health, sexuality, and fertility. Below, read her touching take on dealing with the feelings that arise when we fail to conceive.
10 Ways to Deal with Disappointment When Trying to Conceive
Disappointment affects us all. There are no exceptions. Perhaps you are struggling with trying to have a baby, and the immense disappointment that can come from yet another negative pregnancy test or a failed fertility treatment. Whatever the cause of your disappointment, this post may help you.
I was cleaning with my bookkeeper and finally got around to organizing my big grey file cabinet – the home of many loose papers in untitled folders that I had been avoiding for years. Endless receipts and warranties for Walkmans (a relic from the 80’s), video cameras, and old TVs were tossed into my throwaway pile. But then I came across a green folder of my writings, and as I flipped through the folder, one piece caught my attention. It was called “Pregnancy Preparation and Disappointment.”
I began to read this piece out loud to my bookkeeper, who just three months prior to our meeting, lost her 53-year-old husband to complications of Multiple Sclerosis. Even though the piece was about pregnancy preparation, its words of wisdom were applicable to loss in general, and as I read, tears streamed down her face. It was a poignant moment, as the ending had been written by my late husband, Alex, whose words touched both of us deeply.
One of my patients who had done her second IVF had just gotten news that it didn’t work. Her Doctor told her it was implantation issues. I wondered if anyone really knew why a pregnancy happened or didn’t happen. I realized that I needed to remind myself about life’s lessons, including disappointment, so I could help my patient. Just then, my four-year-old walked into the room and exclaimed: “I am going to win my soccer game.” I asked him: “What happens if you don’t win?” To which he replied with a flat definition of losing. So I rephrased my question, “How do you FEEL when you don’t win?” He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Nothing.”
Out of the mouths of babes. It clearly wasn’t going to ruin his day if he lost. Four-year-olds have a way of just moving on.
As Martin Luther King, Jr. said so eloquently, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” That’s a big truth to live by.
Here are my ten tips for dealing with disappointment when trying to conceive: